@RillieBear

puzzld:

What? It’s Friday night, isn’t that the night you’re supposed to take pictures of your kid and annoy people on Tumblr with them? Wrong night?

annoy? hardly! keep em coming :0) seriously! she’s a living doll :)

October 2007

Photo by Me.

www.rilya.ca

I could say “it’s not you , it’s me”…. but the fact is it’s both.

Twitter is people, people is twitter, and for the most part I am not enjoying twitter’s company right now. The goodness is being drowned out by the negativity for me. It has been for some time.

I have a VERY stressfull lifeas it is and I’m struggling with my ADD and perimenopausal hormones making me more disorganized while raising & taking care of two “higher needs” children, and a disabled husband’s daily needs.

Twitter used to be a place I could come and have fun, and laugh, read some funny stuff, and relax a little. But as of late it is becoming less of that for me.

I know I’m not choosing the wrong people in my stream to follow, because there are great people on my twitter stream that make me laugh. The problem I have is all that goes on around me that I cannot ignore due to my own values, beliefs and integrity. I can’t ignore it, it is in my stream. I’d have to just unfollow.

I stay out of the high stakes game of stars, but seeing it all around me, I cannot help but get irked at the unfairness of it all for others.

I’m not enjoying twitter because though I am guarded and jaded from the life I’ve had, I am forever an optimist, a survivor. I beleive in the good in people ALWAYS before I believe the bad in people. Even if my jaded side allows me to play devils advocate and be cautious. I am still always hurt by finding out that people are not “good”.

I am stubborn, and when I see something that feels wrong to me I feel the need to set it right, for the good of the world. does that make me arrogant? Does expressing myself about it, though I suck at spelling, punctuation and ya ok, berevity, make me sound like a lunatic?

If it does. well. I don’t care. I am then. I’m a mother and I CHOSE to express myself. Change and positive things in this world don’t happen because people sit around on thier ass being meek and mild and afraid to open thier mouth and say something, anything, the truth.

For a long time in my life I was always terrified to express myself, and my opinions, for fear of “rocking the boat” or having people hate me. But I made a decision a while ago to not do that anymore.it may not leave me very many people liking me, but those who do, are ( usually) genuine.

This is the world my children are growing up in. Twitter is like a slice of it on a slide under a microscope. My children will be nurtured by who I am and how I handle life.

This is the world they see me interact in, the world where other people’s kids will become who my children date and befriend and maybe marry. I’m not going to stand by and not fight for what I feel is right. My methods may be blunt, but I make no appologies. if it makes pople get disturbed.. then maybe it will set a change in motion ( hopefully for the good, rather then a bad)

You might call it “obsessive” about letting it get to me, but I cannot tolerate bullies, liars, dishonesty and smug arrogant behaviour from people. I spent far too long being around those kinds of people all my life. I can pick them out a mile away usually (even though my optimistic self wants to beleive no one is that way) I ALWAYS end up getting hurt, and inevitably I hurt the people around me in my immediate life because it bothers me so much.

So… I have to just not be around it in order to let it go, and not let it bother me. Sadly I can’t just unfollow Favstar to get away from it. My stream of people I follow is littered with links to, recomendation for, and the like about this kind of stuff. Ya my post probably fueled the debihope camp  to the level it is at, and has fueled her ego enough to be oppositional and defiant, to be so smug and arrgant in her tweets since then. That’s fine.. maybe she’ll bore everyone to death with her smug tweets soon enough.

Twitter allows people to be whoever they want to make themselves up to be, and for the most part that is an easy facade to keep up when you only have to make up a few sentences at a time in 140 characters. It’s easy to be anybody then. Sadly because of that, the characters on twitter think everyone is a character.

That makes me unhappy. the people behind these 140 or less characters are real people. not toys/pawns in a game of pump up my esteem/ego

I don’t like being unhappy.

I don’t like seeing other people unhappy.

I don’t like things that hurt others.

Because of this I had to stop watching the news, reading the newspapers and watching a lot of TV. If I do, I want to feed every starving child in the world, save every person at risk of death in the wars all over this world. Run to far off countries and help people  after floods and earthquakes. I want to hold every old lady’s hand in a nursing home who has no family anymore and be a friend. Hold every preemie baby in a NICU who is alone and needing love. I want to do everything, and I end up unable to sleep at night due to it.

I have to cut back from twitter. I know people will see this as a win for them, and will say I “ran away”. But I’m not running away. I’m walking away because doing so is for the greater good.

I can’t watch people on here treat others like shit and just stand by and say nothing. And I cannot tolerate anymore being made an “example” of of what will happen to you if you don’t shut up and put up with the way the rest of the bullies on the playground play the game. So I’m growing up and graduating from the twitter I see. I’m sad because of it. Bit this will in the end make me less sad.

Mainly because I often find myself starting to send a person a message on twitter that I follow if they are having a bad day/moment/situation in their life, and I get HURT when I find that they don’t follow me so I can’t send them the heartfelt DM I tried to send. A message I don’t feel comfortable sending  to them as an @ in public.

Then I have to think… well if they don’t follow me, they probably have no clue who I am really, I’m just “a follower” and why in the hell would they care to hear from me anyway.. and then that hurts me, because I get upset with myself for caring so dammed much.

I am a “caregiver” I always have been. I have had to work hard to not be a codependent caregiver, and I’m sure I fail at it a LOT if not all the time, but the personality trait is in me, not just a nurtured thing I gained from needing to always take care of everyone.

I’m hurt right now too much and twitter is the reason for it. Because I find myself realizing that I have given my heartfelt kindness to certain people on twitter and even here on tumblr and opened my hand and my heart to them, shared of myself to be real and kind and caring, offered a connection, even friendship and I get slapped in the face by it.

I can’t do it anymore.

I’m greatly limiting my twitter account. if you want to be a part of it, that’s wonderful. IF not, it was nice while it lasted, thanks for the lessons in life.

I’m keeping my tumblr as a blog and will post pics like I always have if anyone cares to still follow. But I’m stepping back.

Blessings to you all.

Rilliebear

my daughters holiday picture from last year. she’s changed more, now that she is 9, I can’t wait to see what will come of our photo session, she is very photogenic. this picture was so sngelic when I took it I washed it out a bit for effect.

My photography and paintography can be seen at www.rilya.ca

I have been WaY behind on getting holiday pics of the kids this year. I’ll do it soon. this was my son last year. he hasn’t changed much, just speaks better :P

I let them dress themselves and just be themselves, better than a stuffy picture in a tie they hate.

my photography and paintography can be seen at www.rilya.ca